Confused
by WhatATragicComedy
Summary: SJ The galaxy, officially, hated them. There was no other way to explain this.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own a thing. Not associated in any way with SG1 show or the like.

Not my best and I don't feel it's completely in character either. Especially Sam. But the idea would not shut up in my head until I wrote it down. More will come eventually but I've got like 3 or 4 stories I'm thinking about simultaniously, so it may not be right away.

Anyway, on with the story.

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Stretching on his bed, Jack slowly opened his eyes.

'That's not my ceiling' he thought, wearing a confused expression.

Slowly eying the darkened room, he realized he wasn't in his room at all.

_'Wait a minute. I've seen this room before. Crap! What the hell am I doing in Carter's room?!'_

His eyes immediately went to the other side of the bed. Empty. Breathe, O'Neill.

_'Okay. What happened yesterday?' _

He remembered coming home from work...alone...to his own house. He had a beer and some leftover Chinese, watched tv, and went to bed. In _his_ bed. He remembered very clearly that it was _his_ bed. So how in the hell did he end up here?

Throwing the covers off, Jack walked into her bathroom. Lifting the toilet seat, he looked down and proceeded to scream loudly, jump back, and hit the wall.

A noise came out of his mouth that sounded very much like a squeak. But, my god, he had boobs! If there was ever a time when it would be okay for a man to squeak, it would be waking up to find you have boobs. Not prepared to face what else was most likely missing, Jack hesitantly walked towards the mirror.

When he got there, he realized he had squeezed his eyes shut. After slowly convincingly himself that if he opened his eyes, he would wake up and find this was all a bad dream, Jack did open his eyes. To find Samantha Carter staring back at him.

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Sam jolted awake with a gasp, not quite remembering the dream that had evidently shocked her.

She was laying in the fetal position with her arms between her knees and her head almost hanging off the bed. Speaking of knees, they really hurt this morning.

Phone. A phone was ringing. Ah. That's what woke her up. Reaching for the phone on her nightstand, Sam instead knocked over a lamp. _I don't have a lamp there._ Seeing a light shining from the floor, she realized it was the screen from the phone and picked it up.

"Hello."

_Could she sound like more of a man this morning?_

Nothing. Not a sound.

"Hello!"

She cleared her throat. Maybe she was coming down with something.

"Carter?" came the very hesitant reply.

She knew her voice was horse, but who else would be answering the phone at her house?

"Yes?"

Sam was getting a little impatient with whoever this woman was now.

"Have you looked in the mirror this morning?"

What kind of a stupid question was that?

"Who is this?"

There was another pause.

"How about you go look in the mirror first."

Grumbling, Sam hopped out of bed. Ow. Nix the hopping this morning. _What did I do to my knees?_

It was then she realized that she was not in her own home. In less than a second she also realized whose bedroom she was in. Oh god! That was why this woman was so hesitant. She was in her CO's house. Why the hell was she in her CO's house at...0600!?! And wait a second, what woman would be calling Colonel O'Neill first thing in the morning? And one that would know her no less?

"Carter? You still there?"

"How do you know who I am? Who is this?"

Ick. Her voice was grating this morning. Which was kind of odd because her throat wasn't even sore.

"I take it you haven't looked in the mirror yet?"

Okay. Now she was annoyed. Stomping off to the bathroom, Sam flicked on the light and dropped the phone unceremoniously on the floor.

It wasn't until she heard what must have been shouting from the phone that Sam snapped out of her enforced brain coma. There was just no way she saw what she thought she saw. No. Way. After picking up the phone, Sam looked in the mirror again. Nope. Still there.

"Carter, are you okay? Carter? Sam?"

"I...I...I...oh god."

"Yeah."

"I...just...but..._sir_?"

"Yep."

"Oh god."

"Uh-huh."

"Sir, are you gonna say anything else?"

"Nope."

Ugh. He so obviously was past the initial freak-out stage. Unfortunately, she wasn't.

"I can't do this. I went to bed a woman, and I woke up a man. You! This isn't funny. This isn't even possible. We didn't do anything. I ate Chinese and I went to bed."

"Carter."

"Our last mission wasn't even eventful. I took some soil samples and Daniel looked at some rocks. Oh god, I'm even talking like you. What if we're turning into eachother?"

"Carter."

"There was no Machello device. There were no devices period. There is absolutely no scientific reason this could have happened."

"Carter!"

"Sir?"

"First of all, breathe."

Sam took a deep breath.

"Breathing?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Now, go get dressed and we'll meet at the SGC where you will figure this out and everything will be peachy again."

"Sir, I don't even know where to begin to..."

"Ah. Ah. You _will_ figure this out, Carter."

"Yes, sir."

"Meet you there in 30."

Starting to feel a little cheeky, Sam said, "Yes, sir...or should I say mam?"

"Carter! Not funny."


	2. Chapter 2

Jack slumped in Sam's lab chair waiting for her to show up. _What was taking her so long?_ It was 0645. She was late. Or rather _he_. God, this was depressing.

"Hey Sam."

Jack grimaced at Daniel. He could probably take advantage of this situation and play the ultimate prank on the SpaceMonkey, but no, he was way too moody for that.

"I'm not Sam."

Daniel stared at him and blinked. Several times.

"What?"

"I said, I'm not Sam."

More blinkage. _Does he think that's supposed to get some kind of reaction out of me?_

"Okaay. You are?"

Jack grimaced again. _Definitely should have played the prank. Much better than admitting I'm in Carter's body._

Yeah, he just couldn't say it. He opened his...her mouth but nothing would come out.

"Sam?"

Jack rolled his eyes.

"Daniel!"

Daniel's eyes widened.

"Oh. My. God."

Mouth open. Mouth close. Open. Close. _Maybe I should buy Danny-boy an aquarium._

"No way. You're pulling my leg? Is today April Fools?"

Jack sighed.

"Unfortunately not."

Jack didn't even bother looking at Daniel anymore. It was too humiliating. That is until he heard it.

Greatly. Repressed. Laughter.

He looked up and glared at Daniel, who was quite red faced and appeared to be struggling not to laugh out loud.

Wiping a tear away from his eye, Daniel sputtered, "How...did...this...happen?"

"We don't know."

"So you have talked to her?"

"Yes, she's supposed to be here already."

"Or rather _he_ is."

"Not funny, Daniel."

"Oh, but it is, Jack. It really is."

Just then, a squirmy Jack O'Neill rushed into the lab and shuddered.

On seeing _themselves_, they both froze. It was officially more weird now.

"Nice entrance, Sam."

"You know?"

Daniel nodded. "Yes, Jack's been moping about it."

"Oh, like you wouldn't mope if you woke up with all your bits in the wrong places."

Turning to himself..._this could get confusing_, Jack said, "What was the running about? Not good for my knees, ya know."

Sam scowled. "Yes, unfortunately, I do. Did you know that Lt. Ross has a crush on you?"

Jack shook his head.

"She does. And she's very forward about it. Don't smile at her. Believe me. It's for your own good."

"Yeah, well you have your own list of admirers. I swear, if one more airmen smiled at me on my way here, I was gonna knock somebody out."

Strangled chuckling again.

"Daniel, I swear to god, if you laugh one more time, I will take away all your coffee."

_Wow. If I would have known that would somber him up so much, I'd use it more often._

Turning to Carter, Jack said, "Nice of you to show up."

"Sorry, sir. I couldn't find your keys."

"Kitchen."

"Yes, I know. I found them."

"Right. So...figured out how we did this yet?"

"No sir. Like I said on the phone, there was absolutely nothing of a technological nature on our last mission."

"Maybe it wasn't something from the mission."

"Daniel?"

"Well, I'm just saying, if it's not the mission, what else did you two do together yesterday?"

Jack and Sam faced each other, both grimacing on doing so. No matter how many times they saw themselves, they were still expecting to see the correct mind with the correct body.

"We had some cake."

"I don't think it was anything in the commissary, sir."

"Yeah, but that was the only other time I saw you yesterday."

Sam nodded in agreement.

"Did you both meet in the commissary or somewhere else?"

"We met here."

"Okay. What happened here?"

"Nothing. I came, I talked cake, she babbled, and then we left."

"Sam?"

"Sounds about right. Though, weren't you playing with something, sir?"

"Huh?"

"The device that SG-7 brought back for me to look at."

Jack looked up at the ceiling in thought.

"Oh yeah. The thing that looked like the Death Star from Star Wars."

Daniel looked around. "Where is it now?"

Sam went around the lab table, bending to reach underneath it.

"I packed it away so the Colonel couldn't play with it anymore."

Glaring at the back of his own head, Jack muttered, "It didn't do anything anyway. That happened at 1200."

"It's all we've got to go on so far, sir. If nothing else, at least we can rule it out."

"Okay then. You two look at the Death Star. I'll go fill in the General. He's gonna _love_ this."


	3. Chapter 3

Jack stopped outside the General's office, pausing with his hand just about to knock on the door.

What exactly was he going to say? _General, sir, Carter and I decided to do some body swapping over breakfast. Ya know, just to keep things interesting around here._

_Oy._ Jack knocked on the door.

"Come!"

Jack strolled into the office as casually as he could given the situation. Which most likely meant that he looked more like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. Oh no. Now he was gonna have that song stuck in his head all day.

General Hammond smiled.

"Major. What can I do for you?"

_The General's never smiled like that at me before. She just has them all wrapped around her little finger, doesn't she?_

Clapping his...her hands together, _(sigh)_, Jack smiled guiltily.

"That's just the thing, sir. I'm not...exactly...the Major. ...Sir."

Dammit. More blinkage. If one more person blinked at him like that today, Jack would not be responsible for his actions.

"Not _exactly_ the Major?"

Queue nervous guilty smile again. Not sure why it was a guilty smile considering this was_ so_ not his fault, but it was what it was.

The General patiently waited for Major Carter to explain herself. She was brazenly casual in her demeanor today, very unlike her. Spending too much time with a certain Colonel, no doubt.

"You see, sir. It's like this."

And then, more silence. Sometimes George wondered if people purposely tried to test his patience.

"Spit it out, Major."

"Right. Colonel Jack O'Neill present, sir. Major Carter is currently in mine...body, that is, sir."

General Hammond stared at the Major/Colonel for several seconds with no change of expression. This type of news had to sink in and stir a bit before ones brain could even accept it.

_Well, at least he's not blinking._, thought Jack.

George had half a mind to yell until he was red in the face. These people were going to be the death of him. One way or another, he was sure of it. He'd decided that the four from SG-1 had made it their personal duty to complicate the hell out of his life.

Instead of yelling, it was far too early in the morning for yelling, General Hammond sighed wearily.

"You enjoy giving me paperwork, don't you, Maj...Colonel?"

Jack furrowed his brows. He had fully expected a lashing out to occur. At least a "_YOU DID WHAT?"_.

"Umm, no sir."

"How did this happen, Colonel?"

"We don't actually know, sir. Carter's down in her lab trying to figure it out right now."

The General let out a huff of laughter. What a sight that must be...Jack O'Neill crouched over an alien device, taking it apart. Okay, so maybe that wouldn't be that surprising, but actually knowing what he's doing and being able to put it back together...now that would be something.

"Do we think this is contagious?"

"Contagious, sir?"

"Should I be expecting more of my people coming in to report swapping bodies with each other?"

"I wouldn't think so, sir."

Anotherwords, he had no idea. General Hammond sighed again. It was too early in the morning for this.

"You know protocol, Colonel. Major Carter and yourself are not permitted to leave this base until this is sorted out. I want both of you to report to the infirmary at once and have Dr. Fraiser look you over."

"Yes, sir."

"Dismissed."

* * *

"The wonderful thing about Tiggers...is Tiggers are wonderful things...their tops are made out of rubber...their bottoms are made out of springs..." 

Jack continued humming/singing under his breath as he walked in Carter's lab.

"Carter, we're off to the in...fir..ma...ry?"

_Where was she?_

Popping up from behind the desk, she smiled...with his face.

"Sir!"

"Carter, don't smile so much. I've got a hardass Colonel image to keep up here."

She looked as if she was trying not to grin.

"Kind of hard to do considering the current situation, sir."

His eyes were going to get stuck in the narrowed position if he kept glaring at people. She was just way too cheeky this morning. And the thing was, he wasn't entirely sure whether she meant it was hard not to smile at their situation or that it would be difficult for him to be a hardass Colonel, considering. Either way, he didn't like it.

"As amusing as you find this, _Major_," he tried not to smile as she visibly straightened and cleared her throat at the mention of her rank, "we have a date with a Doctor to get to. Wouldn't want to be late, now would we?"

"No, sir."

Sam put down whatever doohickey she had been holding and walked in step with the Colonel out of the lab.

"Sir, were you singing the Tigger song?"

D'oh! And he'd just gotten it out of his head, too.


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't know how you two get yourselves in these messes. I mean, seriously, body swapping? Haven't we done this already?"

Janet had been ranting for a good five minutes now as she took blood samples and began running other tests she deemed necessary for the situation.

"Indeed, we have, Dr. Fraiser. Could not the Machello device be brought here to right O'Neill and Major Carter in their correct bodies?"

Teal'c had met Jack and Sam in the hallway and was thoroughly enjoying his friends' predicament in his own way. To the casual passerby, he seemed as stoic as ever. But with the slightest twitch of his lips and the occasional i'm-not-being-sarcastic-because-i-am-just-your-curious-neighborhood-jaffa sarcastic comment, Teal'c might have well been rolling on the floor laughing hysterically to Jack.

"It's being sent here from Area 51 as we speak."

Jack perked up with this news. "So, you're saying that we could be back in our own bodies within 24 hours?"

"Hopefully, sir."

Jack threw his arms out in front of him in celebration. "Yes!"

"I agree with your sentiments completely, sir."

"Hey! My body's not that bad."

"Your knees are really sore today, sir."

"Ah. I've got some Icy Hot in my locker. It should help with that."

Sam crinkled her nose.

"Yeah, it stinks but that and a couple of Tylenol and you'll be good as new."

Jack looked thoughtful for a second. "Speaking of knees, I have brand spankin' new ones."

He hopped off the infirmary bed and jumped up and down a few times for good measure.

"Ow." Jack grabbed his chest.

"Sir!"

"What?" Jack looked down. His hands were firmly planted on Carter's breasts.

"Oh."

Quickly, removing said hands, Jack blushed furiously wearing a sheepish smile.

"Sorry, Carter." Pointing to her breasts, he continued, "These things need a warning label. No bouncing or jumping of any kind."

"Well, if you would have put a _bra_ on this morning, sir, that wouldn't be a problem."

"That's something I never thought I'd hear. And you do realize, Carter, that in order for me to put on a bra, I would have had to stare at your breasts for an innumerable amount of time trying to figure out how to get the dang thing on, right?"

Now it was Sam's turn to blush. "Good point, sir. Thank you for not...doing that."

A familiar sound of this day caught their attention.

Strangled. Laughter.

Janet and Teal'c, yes Teal'c, were doing their utmost to keep straight faces. Janet's face was three shades of red and looked on the verge of tears.

Taking in a deep and halted breath, Janet wiped the corner of her eye, and wearing a grin she didn't even bother trying to hide, said, "I have to go do...something."

The second the infirmary door shut with her on the other side, Janet Fraiser burst out in a fit of giggles.

Both Sam and Jack glared at the door.

"I believe that Dr. Fraiser may require my assistance."

And with a grin that Jack was sure would give him nightmares, Teal'c too left the infirmary.

"The galaxy, officially, hates us."

Jack smiled. "Oh, come on, Carter. It could be worse."

"How?!"

"You could be stuck in McKay's body."

Her...his face took on a sickened state. "You're right. That would be worse."

Jack started fidgeting again.

"Carter, I think we may have a problem."

"What's that, sir?"

"I have to go to the bathroom."

Her reaction was instantaneous. "No."

"Believe me, Carter. I don't want to go anymore than you want me to. I'm not quite ready to face what's not there."

"I'm sorry, sir. You'll just have to hold it."

Jack looked at his watch. "Well, I've been up since 0530 and it's 0800 now and I've had to go since before I actually woke up so I either go soon or I'm gonna be facing puddle issues."

"This day just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?"

"Pretty much."

Sam grimaced. "Fine. But I'm going with you."

"What? I'm going the bathroom, Carter."

"Exactly. You can't go in the women's bathroom or the men's for that matter and either can I. We don't exactly fit either one. One of us will go the bathroom while the other makes sure that no one else comes in so that there won't be any awkward situations."

"Except for us, of course."

"Everything to do with this is awkward, sir."

"Touche."

By the time that they got to a bathroom and made sure that it was empty, Jack was practically running into one of the stalls. Sam stood at the mirror and frowned. Leaning on her elbows, she examined the Colonel's face closely in the mirror. He really was an incredibly handsome man. It was kind of odd to be thinking that while in his body though. She couldn't look into his chocolaty eyes and melt like she normally did. They were her eyes right now and it was all just weird.

"Uhh, Carter?"

"Sir?"

"Could you turn on the sink or something?"

Sam rolled her eyes. She never took the Colonel as the type who couldn't go to the bathroom with someone standing next to him. Evidently, he was.

Jack heard her turn on the water.

"Thank you."

Much better. It had been way too quiet and she was just...standing on the other side of the door.

He was about to stand up and pull up his pants when Carter said, "Don't forget to wipe, sir."

Oh. Women do wipe...down there. Jack hadn't actually thought about that in his dire need to get to the bathroom.

Taking the toilet paper, he tried to be as quick as possible about it.

"This is so not how I imagined the first time me touching you would be."

Jack froze. He did _not_ just say that out loud. "Oh, shit."

She was going to kill him. Kick open the stall any second and end his life right there. What a horrible way to die. On a toilet seat. In a woman's body no less.

It was eerily silent in the bathroom...minus the sink water running. Jack prayed that the ground would open up and swallow him. Or even Thor. Pants down and all, Thor would be very welcome right now.

And then he heard it. A giggle. Coming from his male body, that was kind of terrifying in itself. But now she was laughing at him? Jack wasn't sure if that was better or worse than her killing him.

Pulling up his pants and flushing the toilet, Jack couldn't quite bring himself to open the door and face her.

Following another giggle, she said, "You can come out, sir. I'm not going to kill you."

_No, but I may die of embarrassment._ Putting on the most confident face he could, Jack opened the door and found a very amused Samantha Carter on the other side. In mind, anyway.

Her body was doing it's best not to run out the door. Putting on an air of ease, he said, "Your turn, Major."

The smirk washed right off her face.

Sam stood inside the stall. _I can do this. I'm an adult. _

After just standing there for what seemed like forever, Sam finally just thought 'To hell with it' and unzipped her pants. She couldn't quite stop the gasp from escaping her lips. _Oh great! Just be obvious about it, Sam._ But, my god. The man was blessed. She was glad she had never known all these years what Jack O'Neill had hidden away. She had enough fantasies about him as it was but now...she was in trouble. All that aside, this was so not a sexual situation and the member in question was attached to her, so the idea of actually touching it seemed not only wrong but disturbing.

After more standing and shifting on her feet, Sam just got it over with. How men could claim anything about missing the toilet seat was beyond her. Huge target to aim for, people.

Rushing to the sink afterwords to wash her hands, Sam looked in the mirror at Jack. He still looked pretty mortified. This whole experience was bound to be filled with more embarrassing moments so they minds well try to make it as easy on each other as possible. Still, she really couldn't believe she was about to say this of her own free will.

"Not exactly how I planned it either, sir."

She waited for a few seconds while his brain processed the thought. His...her eyebrows shot up and then he bit back a slight grin.

"Plans, Major? That sounds a little more serious than imagining."

She glared at him, fighting her own grin.

"I can throw out those plans, you know."

"Now if there's one thing I've learned about being a CO, it's that you've got to learn to execute your plans, Carter."

"Oh, I definitely know how to consummate plans, Colonel."

Jack decided it was a very good thing that they were having this conversation in their current situation. Because if Samantha Carter had said what she just said while in her body, he was pretty sure the consummating of plans would be happening right there.


	5. Chapter 5

_Tap. Tap tap. Tap tap tap._

Sam sighed heavily. "Sir, don't you have paperwork or _something_ you can be doing?"

Insubordination. She knew she was at that line. But, if he tapped that pen one more time, she was going to kill him.

He shot her an amused look from where he sat opposite her.

"Annoyed with me already, Carter?"

_Already?_ Insubordination. It was looming over her head. Be a good little soldier, Sam.

"No, sir. Of course not. It's just, you've been in here for three hours, and I know you must be bored by now."

Sam was sufficiently proud of herself for not annunciating 'three hours' more than necessarily to show how ungodly long that amount of time was.

"Carter, you're the cure for my boredom. That's why I come in here."

_And then he just has to go say something cute like that and turn me to a pile of mush. Wait a second! _

Sam narrowed her eyes.

"You're hiding, aren't you?"

He jerked his eyes to look at her, somehow managing to look shocked and guilty at the same time.

"No!"

She stared him down until he caved.

"Oh, come on, Carter. You've seen the looks we've been getting. It's embarrassing."

Sam bit back a giggle. He sounded like such a five year old.

He frowned at her.

"No giggling, Major. It makes me look like a girl."

_This coming from the man sitting with his...her legs spread so far apart that the Grand Canyon could fit in between them._

"You aren't exactly making me look feminine either, sir."

He frowned again. "If you even think I'm going to put on makeup you're out of your mind, Carter. Besides, you don't need it anyway."

"Pfft. See me with no makeup after staying up too long working on an experiment and you'll change your mind."

"Carter, I've seen you covered head to toe in alien mud and you still looked good."

Both their eyes widened and she blushed.

The words '_Open foot, insert mouth' _popped in Jack's head.

"Uh, thank you, sir."

Throwing his thumb over his shoulder, Jack said, "Yeah, I think I'm just gonna...uhh...go bug Daniel for a while."

Sam couldn't help but smirk at his discomfort.

"You do that, sir."


	6. Chapter 6

"Ah. Finally! The Machello device. Never before has it seemed so beautiful to me."

Thanks to an overly scrupulous security protocol system, it had taken the device almost two full days to reach Colorado Springs. Jack was so happy at the prospect of being in his own body again that he was ready to kiss the machine if it worked.

"So, what? We just grab the handles?"

"Yes, sir."

Daniel made an odd noise that sounded somewhere between a snort and a huff. Jack wasn't particularly sure how he did that.

"Daniel, care to add to the conversation?"

"No, not really."

He had a scarily amused grin on his face. Jack was fully willing to just ignore him and move on, but this was Daniel.

"I mean, it's just funny seeing you two like this. Seeing Sam so laid back and grumpy and Jack so 'yes sir' 'no sir' 'let me wash your boots sir'."

"I concur, Daniel Jackson. I have gained much amusement from observing them as they are now."

Jack glared. "First of all, I am not grumpy." Seeing the looks from everyone's faces, he added, "Unnecessarily. And secondly, Carter would hurl my boots at my head if I ever asked her to wash them."

Sam smiled. "As long as you know that, sir."

Looking at 'himself', Jack motioned towards the device. "Shall we?"

Still smiling cheekily, no doubt because of her own excitement, Sam replied, "We shall."

They both took hold of the handles on their side of the device and waited. Nothing happened.

"Uh...I'm pretty sure I'm still in your body, Carter."

She frowned.

"I checked to make sure the device was functioning properly myself, sir. I don't understand why it's not working."

"What about last time? We had to play musical bodies cuz of something-er-ather you said."

"You may be right, sir. If Daniel and I switch and then I switch with you, then I could be restored to my body. And then we just continue until everyone is where they are supposed to be."

Daniel raised his arm at the elbow like a student wishing to be called on. "Umm, I don't like that plan."

Jack glared murderously at the archaeologist. "And why not?"

"Not that I didn't just love the whole body swapping thing last time around or anything, but I'm just thinking no."

The sarcasm practically dripped off that statement. Jack was pretty sure the cleaning staff were going to have to come in after Daniel and mop the floor.

Sam shook the Colonel's head.

"Daniel, it won't be permanent. You'll only be in someone else's body for a matter of minutes."

"Sam, when was the last time something ever worked perfectly right for us?" Daniel hurriedly continued on because knowing Sam, she would actually think of one and throw it in his face. "I'd switch with you and then the machine would blow up because Machello had set a timer in it to blow 'conveniently' at that precise moment."

Jack eyed the machine wearily and took a step back.

Sam looked at Daniel in a way that showed long suffering patience.

"Daniel, I find that that is _highly_ unlikely to happen."

"I, too, agree that that event is unlikely to occur, Daniel Jackson."

"You do realize, Teal'c, that if we do this, you would have to body swap as well?"

Teal'c paused, as if that thought just did occur to him before silently nodding.

_Darn Jaffa honor and loyalty,_ thought Daniel mutinously.

Jack's patience had worn out.

"Daniel, get your ass over here and grab the damn handles already!"

Daniel scowled before sighing and walking over to the machine.

"Fine, but if I get stuck in Sam's body, I'm coming after you first."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Ready?"

Daniel nodded and they both grabbed onto their individual handles. And nothing happened.

"Carter! What the hell?"

Sam glowered at the machine. _Why wasn't it working?_

Teal'c, in his infinite wisdom, suggested, "Perhaps, the ancient device that caused Major Carter and yourself to become as you now are, is preventing any other methods of reversal from occurring."

Jack appeared to either be on the verge of yelling or crying. No one was really sure which.

"Please, tell me you are not suggesting that we're stuck like this...", Jack choked on the word, "permanently?"

"No, sir. But Teal'c may be right. Theoretically, it is possible for the alien device to have some kind of safety precaution that prevents the Machello device from working. But if we can discover how the device works, then we should be able to reverse the effects."

"I like that idea. We should do that."

"Sir, I've looked the device over while we were waiting on the Machello device and I can't determine how it works. It would help if I knew exactly what it's purpose was. I suggest Daniel take a look at it to see if he can translate the writing that covers its surface."

Daniel was already heading towards the door.

"I'll get right on it."

"Daniel?"

"Jack?"

"Just...don't touch it...directly. The last thing we need is for you and Teal'c or somebody changing places."

Daniel frowned. That would make translating more difficult. But Jack did have a point.

"Okay. I'll let you know once I come up with something."

And then he was gone.

Jack looked at Teal'c menacingly.

"Don't think I can't see your lips twitching over there, Mister."

Teal'c looked offended.

"My lips are not 'twitching', O'Neill." A small wicked grin formed on his face. "However, it would seem as if Major Carter and yourself will be in this predicament for a while longer."

"Of this I am well aware, T."

Jack didn't see what was 'grin-worthy' about that particular thought. I mean, they'd been this way for two days now.

"Perhaps while Daniel Jackson is deciphering the translation you could use the time to bathe."

Jack frowned. _Was Teal'c suggesting that he stank?!_

"Teal'c, are you suggesting that we smell funny?"

"I am unsure how one could smell in a humorous way, O'Neill. I was merely pointing out that it had been two days since either you or Major Carter had used the shower facilities."

He _was _saying they smelled funny! The Jaffa did have a point. But, hello, he was in Samantha Carter's body. Showering would involve a naked Samantha Carter's body. Naked and wet. Oh lord.

Sam spoke up.

"Uhh, Daniel will finish the translation soon. Yeah, and then we'll be back in our own bodies. So, it'll be fine. Yeah, Daniel will figure it out."

She was babbling. And her voice was catching, sort of making 'him' sound like a boy going through puberty. Jack didn't like it. On her, it would have looked cute. But she was making him look like an idiot.

"Right, Teal'c. Daniel will fix us up in no time. And then I assure your wounded nose, we will take long showers."

Teal'c only grinned evilly once again before walking out the door. Yep, that smile was the stuff of nightmares right there.


	7. Chapter 7

"Daniel! What the hell is taking so long?"

If Daniel would have been looking at Jack, he would have seen the murderous glare being bored into his head. But being Daniel, he was not in the least bit scared of a tirade from Jack and thus did not even bother to lift his head from looking at the alien device.

"Jack, have you looked at this thing?"

"Yes, Daniel. I have. And you've been looking at it for a whole day!"

"Oh, it has not been a day! And do you see this writing? It's nearly microscopic and it covers the entire sphere. It's going to take time to translate it all."

Daniel wasn't exaggerating. The sphere was about the size of a soccer ball and circling round and round were tiny words of Latin origin.

"How long, Daniel?"

"I don't know, maybe a day or two more."

"Two days? Can't you go any faster?"

"No. Jack, I've been working on this for eight hours straight. What more do you want?"

Jack sighed. "I'm sorry, Daniel. I'm just ready to get this over with."

Jack leaned over Daniel to get a closer look at the 'Death Star'.

Daniel sniffed the air, scrunching up his nose.

"Umm, Jack, what's that smell?"

"Ugh. Not you too."

Jack rounded the table and sat in the chair opposite Daniel, folding his...Sam's arms over her chest.

Daniel's expression asked, 'Me too?'

"Carter and I haven't exactly been showering since this thing happened."

"Ew. That's really...gross, Jack."

"Yeah, well, going the bathroom in each other's bodies has already been traumatic enough. We were kind of hoping we wouldn't have to deal with more than that."

"You mean you haven't looked?"

Jack had kind of figured that Daniel had a raunchy side about him, but him being so blatant about it was a little shocking.

"No, of course I haven't looked."

"Wow, I just kind of figured, you know, that you would."

"I'm pretty sure Carter wouldn't appreciate it."

Not that he hadn't thought about it...alot. The temptation was great and they were _right there_.

"Well, it's not like she would know."

If only Carter could hear your traitorous ways, Danny-boy. And everyone thinks you're just so innocent. But he did have a point. She wouldn't know if he just happened to take a peak. No, this was Carter. She'd know. He'd walk into the room and minds-well be wearing a billboard that read "Pervert" with how clearly she would know. If it wasn't for the fact that he could read her pretty much as well as she could him, that might really bother him.

"You are so playing the Devil's advocate, Daniel."

Daniel grinned.

"So you do _want_ to look."

"Well, duh. I am a guy, Daniel."

Very ready to change the subject, Jack pointed to the device.

"What have you got so far?"

"Well, it's a derivative of Latin. So far, all it's been is a listing of the laws that the people there followed. Pretty typical stuff really. Don't murder. Don't steal. There was one that I thought was a little peculiar to have as a law. Do not judge. These people seemed to hold this law in particular regard and..."

"Ah ah. Okay, yeah, just let me know when you get something good, k?"

"Sure, Jack."

Jack stood to leave the lab only to be stopped by Daniel.

"Hey Jack, you should _really_ look into the whole shower thing...for the rest of us at least."

"Sam's" shoulder's sagged a little. "Yeah, I know. I'll go talk to Carter about it."

"Thank you. I assure you the rest of us appreciate it."

"Ha ha. Keep it up and I'll tell Carter you told me to look at her boobs."

Daniel shut up after that. He may not be afraid of Jack, but Sam could scare the living shit out of him.

Jack walked down the hall towards Carter's lab. He didn't like walking the halls in his current state. Everyone stared at him like he had three heads and a tail. Some laughed after he had passed and no amount of glaring seemed to help. Some of the airmen could never remember how to address him and would stutter "Major...Colonel or Mam, sir" as they walked by.

Seems today he was about to be passed by some laughers. Two newbies, Lt. Rogers and a Captain Harris if he remembered right.

He glared as they snickered and walked past.

"I had heard they wanted in each others pants but I think they're taking it to the extreme a little bit, don't you?"

Oh no, they just didn't. Jack O'Neill was _pissed off_.

He whipped around.

"Excuse me? What did you just say, airmen?"

They both stopped dead in their tracks and turned slowly.

"Uhh, mam...I mean, sir?"

"Did I stutter, Lt? What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

When he didn't receive any reply, Jack grabbed him by the collar and shoved him forcefully in the wall.

"Samantha Carter is a Major in the United States Air Force and as such, deserves your respect as a superior officer. If I so much as hear you say one more derogatory comment about _anyone_ in this base again, I will personally remove you from the premises, is that understood?

"Yes, sir!"

Clenching his teeth, fists balled up, Jack spat, "Good. Now get out of my sight."

After they both disappeared down the hall, Jack turned around to come face to face with Sam.

"Carter."

He really hoped she didn't see that but he kind of doubted that was the case.

"Sir."

"Going to your lab?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Let's go."

They'd been sitting in the lab for a few minutes. Jack was still trying to calm down. Stupid, good for nothing, disrespectful...

"You didn't have to do that, sir."

"Carter, they disrespected you. They deserved a lot worse."

"They disrespected you too sir."

Jack shrugged. He didn't care about that. People could say what they wanted about him.

"And with all due respect, sir, it's nothing I haven't heard before. It's just something you come to expect as...it's something you learn comes with the territory."

He knew what she didn't say. It's something she's come to expect as a woman in the Air Force. Sad, but true. She was a woman in a mainly man dominated job. Thankfully, at the SGC, they had a good group of people. They knew they could depend on each other, man or woman. But there would always be some who felt that women just didn't belong. Anyone who knew half of what Carter had done for this planet would have to know that that was a bunch of bull.

"I don't care if you expect it or not, Carter. I hear somebody say crap about _any_ of my team, and I will have that person's ass."

Sam nodded and went back to what she was working on.

"So...Daniel thinks it will be another two days before he finishes with the alien doohickey."

"Two _days_?"

"Yep."

"Oh."

Sam stared at the top of Jack's..well, her head.

"What?"

"You definitely can't go another two days without a shower. My hair looks horrible."

"Yeah, well, we don't smell too good either."

Sam winced. "No, we don't."

"So..."

"So..."

"I guess that means..."

"Yeah."

"Right."

"I suppose we should go ahead and get it over with then, sir."

"Just some quickies."

Jack refused to acknowledge the double meaning of that in his mind.

"Yes, sir."

"Okay, then. Off we go."


	8. Chapter 8

Warning: This is the shower scene and some people may be uncomfortable with the content. I'd say for a shower scene, it's pretty tame but just thought I should put up a warning, just in case.

* * *

Things were awkward, to say the least. 

"Uh, you can go in first, Colonel. I mean, I'll just turn around while you undress," _Oh god, he's about to see me naked_, "and head to the showers. Then, I'll go to the next shower over."

"K." _Great, I'm down to one syllable sentences now. Real mature, O'Neill._

Jack started to take off Carter's boots when she said, "Actually, sir. Let me get you the things you'll need first."

She went to her locker and pulled out a gillion different things. Putting them in a bag she walked back over to Jack.

"You planning on having me move in to the shower?"

"No, sir. These are all necessary."

Necessary, right. Last time he checked, all he needed was soap and shampoo.

Sam reached into the bag and began pulling things out.

"Here's my shampoo and conditioner, sir."

Jack opened the lids to one and took a whiff. Mmm, he's always loved the smell of her shampoo.

"And here's my shaving cream and a razor."

"Razor? You mean you want me to shave...your legs?"

"And underarms, sir."

"But..."

"No buts, sir. I'm sure that I already have man-hair growing off my legs and whether I'm actually in my body or not, that's gross. You will shave. And if you haven't noticed, sir, I've been shaving your face the past two days so it's the least you could do."

Yes, he had noticed. She'd cut his jaw line, too. Not fun is it, Major? And man-hair?

Jack grimaced, but took the razor, nonetheless.

Sam pulled some kind of blue poofy thing out of her bag, with a string attached. It looked like a cat toy.

"What on earth am I supposed to do with that thing?"

"It's a loofah. You squeeze some of my body wash on there and use it to wash with."

"Body wash?"

Sam pulled another bottle out of the bag and handed it to the Colonel.

"Can't I just use soap?"

"No. Body wash, sir. Leaves the skin much softer."

Yeah, Jack didn't need to be thinking about soft skin right now.

"Is that it, or are you gonna pull a rabbit out next?"

Sam rolled her eyes.

"That's all, sir."

Oh, that's all, huh? It's like carrying a five pound weight to the shower. Women are rediculous. Soap and shampoo and you're good as new. _Ha ha. I rhymed. I should sell it as a jingle._

Walking to his own locker, Jack grabbed man shower supplies and placed one in each of Sam's hands.

"Soap. Shampoo. Voila! Clean Jack O'Neill."

Sam turned away from the Colonel, hearing him mutter the entire time. What? Did he think that she just hopped out of bed every morning and tada, Major Samantha Carter reporting for duty?

After she heard the shower start, Sam undressed and headed to the stall next to the Colonel's. Sam had gone the bathroom enough times that being naked as the Colonel didn't really hold any surprises for her.

Starting the shower, Sam was momentarily distracted by the sheer joy of feeling the spray of water on her skin. Ah, to be clean. Looking down at the Colonel's chest, Sam sighed. It was incredibly depressing not having breasts. Women as a whole complained way too much about their breasts. They were either too big or too small or not perky enough. _Try having pecks, ladies!_

Sam's gaze continued downward until she was staring at the 'Little Colonel'. She said it once and she'd say it again; the man was blessed. Speaking of said man, he was now intimately aware of what she looked like naked. Sam felt the blush creep up into her cheeks at that thought. He was probably trying to locate her mole at this very moment. _Oh lord._

Sam silently prayed that Daniel would figure out how to fix this before anything else could happen. She couldn't think of anything more mortifying than this at the moment but she was sure there was something.

Sam looked at the Colonel's hands as she continued to wash. She had always had a thing for hands. And the Colonel had really great hands. Long fingers and just overall strong and manly hands. It was incredibly hot. And the things he could do to her with those hands. Wow. An unbidden fantasy she'd had before of them in the shower together came to her mind. In their correct bodies, of course.

Sam felt a strange sensation overcome her and then all of the sudden,

"OH MY GOD!"

Sam dropped the soap she was holding and practically ran into the wall behind her. This was so wrong! In oh so many ways! Sam stared at the offending appendage which was now standing erect as if to salute her.

Oh god oh god oh god.

"Carter? Are you okay?!"

Shit! "Yes, sir. Everything's fine, sir. Peachy, even."

Ohgodohgodohgod.

This was unnatural. She had a hard-on. Just the thoughts of those words almost made her retch. Women were not supposed to get hard-ons, they were supposed to give them.

"Are you sure you're okay, Carter? What happened?"

_Don't ask me what happened!_ _Quick, think fast. Why can't you think of anything? You're supposed to be a genius. _Some part of her brain decided now would be a good time to remind her that she wasn't used to having to come up with these type of explanations.

"I, uh, dropped the towel in the shower, sir. It's soaked."

Could that have been a lamer excuse? Ugh.

"No reason to freak, Major. I'll bring you another towel once I'm done over here."

_Either he's being really naive or he's just playing along so that I won't hide myself in the shower for the rest of time. _

_Okay, wow, pressure and an odd desire to want to alleviate it. Which is soo not going to happen, at least not the way it wants. How do I get it to go away? Maybe the saying that it has a mind of it's own isn't really that far from the truth. Umm, think of something really gross. Road kill. Dead puppies. Goa'uld symbiote pouches. Kinsey and McKay...naked. Oh thank god, that one did it._

"Here's you a new towel, Major."

"AAAHHH!"

A towel poked through the curtain of the shower. In her panic, she hadn't even heard the Colonel turn off his shower.

"Geez, Carter. Little jumpy, are we?"

"Sorry, sir. Just didn't hear you coming."

Voice was just a little crackly. She cleared her throat.

"Not like it would have mattered if I'd seen anything anyway. It's my body after all. Think I've seen it enough times naked."

_Oh, I think you may have been a little surprised, sir._

Quickly finishing up her shower, Sam waited a few moments to give the Colonel some time to dress.

"Sir, are you dressed?"

"No, not yet. You can come out if you're done. Like I said before, we aren't gonna see anything we haven't seen a million times before. It's looking down that's the shocker."

Sam wrapped the towel around her waist and opened the curtain. The Colonel was standing at one of the sinks preparing to brush his teeth. Even in her body, you could tell he was a man just by the way he stood. There he was, wearing nothing but a towel and he still had his legs spread in a wide 'at ease' posture.

(Rewind ten minutes...)

Jack stepped into the shower, carrying the five pound weight of shower 'necessities' Carter expected him to use.

Jack turned the shower on full blast.

_Oosh! That was a wee bit chilly!_ Mentally expecting shrinkage, he sadly remembered that he didn't have that problem for the moment. Jack never thought he would see the day when he was actually wishing for shrinkage. But, here it was.

Looking down, Jack found he had a different form of shrinkage, _erectus nippleus._ And wow, this was the first time he was really taking a look at them. Could Carter have a more perfect body? Much to Jack's surprise, he began to feel warmth between his legs. Oh, so that's what that feels like to a woman. Hmm. In Jack's demented brain, he had a humorous thought and couldn't stop himself from chuckling quietly. In a roundabout way, given their current situation, he had just turned himself on. Did that make him asexual?

Deciding that was enough of the strange thoughts for now and that Carter would kill him if she knew, Jack pulled the first thing he could find out of the 'magic' bag as he was now calling it.

Shaving cream. Get the worst of it over with straight away, then. Pulling out the razor, Jack went to work.

After a few fun moments of spraying designs on Carter's legs with the shaving cream, Jack decided that shaving legs was a lot harder than it looked. First of all, there was nowhere for him to put his leg up on. And then the shower kept washing off the shaving cream so he'd have to reapply it. And how does one shave the back of their thighs? Carter wasn't gonna be happy with her knees either. There were a few nicks. Oh well. Payback for the slice on his jaw.

After completing the shaving of legs and underarms, Jack reached for the next item out of the 'magic' bag.

Body wash. Ah. Where's that cat toy? Oh, there it is.

Having no idea how much body wash one needed to use, Jack applied liberally. Squishing the loofah to create a lather, Jack decided he'd probably used too much. He was reminded of a laundry machine that had been filled with way too much detergent and overflowed into the room.

Quickly washing up, a thought occurred. The mole! What a perfect little opportunity to find this mysterious mole. Jack had always had the suspicion it was on her plump little behind.

Trying to turn the best he could to see said derriere, _Carter was so much more bendy than him_, Jack almost twisted and slipped when he heard a shout.

"OH MY GOD!"

Jack's eyes darted to the curtain. He'd been sure that she would be standing there, catching him trying to ogle her ass.

Huh. What the hell was she yelling about then?

"Carter? Are you okay?!"

"Yes, sir. Everything's fine, sir. Peachy, even."

Peachy? That was his line. And Carter could 'sir' this and 'sir' that with the best of them, but even that little spiel was a tad excessive.

"Are you sure you're okay, Carter? What happened?"

There was a pause. Jack was beginning to wonder if she'd somehow disappeared down the drain when she replied, "I, uh, dropped the towel in the shower, sir. It's soaked."

Jack almost snorted. That was the fakest excuse he'd ever heard in his life. Poor Carter. She was such a horrible liar. So, if she was lying then that means...weird. Was Carter experimenting? Surely not. Jack wasn't sure if he was turned on or freaked out by that possibility. He decided not to dwell on it too much.

"No reason to freak, Major. I'll bring you another towel once I'm done over here."

Back to the magic bag.

Shampoo. So, Carter? Yeah, there was no way he was gonna stop thinking about it that easily. _At least I'm not the only one with arousal issues_, Jack mused.

Rinse. And done. Oh wait. Women use conditioner. Jack read the label. Massage in. Let sit for three minutes. What? Why? To heck with that.

Jack squirted some in his hand, _massaged_ it in his hair and rinsed immediately. Women!

Jack turned off the shower, wrapped himself in his towel, and placed everything back in the magic bag. Now to get a towel for the naughty Major.

(Back to the present...)

Jack eyed Carter in the mirror. She had her arms wrapped around her chest protectively. It looked hilarious. And thus, he chuckled.

"Carter, what are you doing?"

"Sir, I may be in a man's body, but I _am_ a woman. I feel exposed not having my chest covered."

"You look rediculous."

Sam narrowed her eyes.

"I could say the same for you."

Jack frowned in the mirror. How did he look rediculous?

"What?"

"Your mannerisms just scream that you're a man. You could never pull off faking being a woman."

"Well, I for one, consider that a compliment."

They finished getting ready mainly in silence. Jack was done first and as such headed for the door.

And oh, but he just couldn't help himself.

"Hey Carter?"

"Sir?"

"Your 'wet' towel is still hanging inside the shower. Don't forget to go throw it in the hamper, will ya?"

Jack caught just the beginning of her horrified expression before he walked out of the locker room.


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry it has taken me so unbelievably long to update. Major case of writer's block. I have three short chapters to add today. Hope you like.

* * *

Jack watched Carter across the briefing table as she picked at his nails. She had avoided him for a full day after the shower incident. Which while he would never say this out loud, he found hysterical. But he preferred to have his body returned to him with all parts still intact, so yeah, so not letting her know he thought it was funny.

After that twenty-four hours had passed, where he had actually witnessed Sam ducking into a closet to avoid him, Jack had been thoroughly bored and practically cornered her in her lab, demanding she go have cake with him.

She had audibly sighed with relief that he wasn't going to bring anything up and agreed to go. Life returned to normal. Or as normal as it ever gets at the SGC. Just this morning, Jack had seen someone walking down the hall with a tail! Now that was weird! He didn't even want to know how that one happened. On the plus side, him and Carter were no longer the talks of the base.

So, here they were. Daniel had finished the translation and had called a briefing together for 1100. Jack looked at his watch. 1109. Everyone was present, except Daniel. Typical.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Daniel rushed into the briefing room, carrying a ginormous coffee mug (Seriously, it was _huge!)_ and several file folders that had evidently slipped somewhere on the way here because several of them were hanging precariously, threatening to fall from his grasp and spread out all over the floor.

"Glad to see you decided to join us, Danny boy."

"Sorry, Jack. I got caught up and I forgot this paper so I had to go back and…."

That was very un-Daniel like. Apologizing for tardiness. No smart-ass remark. He must be exhausted. Looking more closely at his archaeologist, Jack noticed how pale he was and could even see the dark circles behind his glasses.

"Daniel, when was the last time that you slept?"

Daniel seemed to think that blinking several times was a sufficient answer as he ignored Jack and turned to the General.

"I've figured out what happened."

Jack rolled his eyes.

"I think it's pretty obvious what happened."

Daniel clenched his teeth, looked up at the ceiling, and Jack could swear he could mentally see him counting to ten.

Good. Daniel wasn't so far gone that he couldn't still get pissed. But Jack would still have a talk with him after the briefing.

"As I was saying, I know what happened _and_ I'm pretty sure I know how to fix it."

Sitting down, Daniel opened one of the files he brought with him while the General told him to proceed.

"These people called themselves the Venhayins which I believe might have some cultural reference to a group of ancient tribal…"

"Daniel, please. Can we not have the cultural significance version right now? You say you have a way for me and Carter to be ourselves again. We're _really_ interested in that part and I assure you I will be all ears for that part of your speech."

Daniel frowned but must have decided to take pity on Jack as he skipped ahead.

"The Venhayin's had several prominent laws. One of which was 'To not judge'. They held this as one of their most sacred laws. The device that Sam and Jack touched appears to be some sort of penalty given to two people who refused to meet eye to eye, who judged each other unfairly in some way. They were forced to live as the other without anyone else being aware that they had switched places until they learned the error of their thoughts."

"Walking a mile in another person's shoes…", Sam piped in for the first time in the conversation.

Jack laid his head on the table and groaned. "I hate cliches."

"And what if they had no such revelation, Daniel Jackson?"

"Well, they were forced to remain permanently in their new bodies."

"What?!"

"Quit panicking, Jack. I know how to switch you. Or at least I'm pretty sure. The device says that the two were to remain in their new form for the equivalent of one week. Then, once the elders deemed that they had truly learned their lesson, they would be allowed to return to their bodies. Here it gets a little vague because obviously they knew how to work their own machine but I still think I get it. Basically, you have to twist the sphere to where the top and lower halves are facing opposite directions while you are both touching it."

"Good, let's go do that now."

"You can't."

"And why not?"

"Because it has to be done exactly seven days later. Otherwise, it won't work. If you tried it now, you could ruin your chances of it working when it was supposed to and then you'd be stuck this way forever."

That sat Jack back down in his chair.

"Okay, so it's been four days. Three more to go."

The General closed the file in front of him. "Alright people. Colonel, Major, you are both still confined to the base for the remainder of this…problem. And I want that device locked away until the time it is needed, with no one touching it. Dismissed."

Jack and Sam stood with the General, Teal'c following at a more sedate pace, while Daniel tried to organize his things.

"And Daniel is going home."

Daniel jerked his head up to Jack. "What?"

"You heard me. You're going home. And you're going to sleep the entire time you're there."

"But I've got…"

"No buts, Daniel. I'll have you escorted there if I have to. You look like crap."

Daniel frowned. "Thanks."

"Don't get me wrong. I love that you figured out the Death Star thingy, just next time, sleep somewhere in the figuring time."

Instead of answering, Daniel muttered something unintelligible and quite possibly in another language, and walked out the door.

Jack yelled after him. "You have twenty minutes, Daniel. Then I'm sending an airmen after you."

Jack heard a chuckle and turned to see Carter staring at him.

"What's so funny?"

"Just thinking about how much this must be messing with everybody's heads. Daniel's not exactly used to me threatening him to leave his office by force."

"You should try it some time. It's quite fun."

Sam grinned and shook her head, leaving the briefing room herself.


	10. Chapter 10

"Unscheduled offworld activation!"

Sam left her lab and headed for the control room to see what was going on.

By the time, she got there she was told that the new arrival was in the briefing room.

Following the vague answer up the stairs to the briefing room, Sam smiled brightly when she saw who was there.

"Dad!"

She wrapped her arms around him in her typical hug.

Jacob looked wide-eyed at George with his arms stiffly by his sides, wondering why the hell Jack O'Neill was hugging him. Hammond seemed to be doing his best not to laugh out loud.

Trying to regain his composure, Jacob said, "Um, hi to you too, Jack."

Pulling away with a frown and then an 'oh' face, Jack said, "No, Dad. It's me."

"Yes, I can see it's you. Why were you hugging me?"

Jacob chose to ignore the raucous laughter from Selmak in his head.

"No, Dad, I mean it's me. Sam."

Jacob laughed. That was funny. In a really bizarre twisted way.

Jack fidgeted, George still had a slight grin, and Jacob realized he was the only one laughing.

"Are you serious?"

The other two men...well sort of men, he supposed, nodded at him.

"Sam?"

She nodded again.

Just as he was about to ask how in the _hell_ something like this had happened, he heard, "Jacob! Nice of you to drop by."

Jack sauntered into the briefing room, arms spread in greeting, in his daughter's body. It was just so wrong.

"What the hell is going on?"

If possible, Selmak was laughing louder than before. Though, Jacob did sense her growing curiosity to have that same question answered.

"Jack touched something."

That wonderful comment came from Daniel, entering the room behind Jack, who frowned at the younger man.

"So this is your fault?"

Jack quickly faced Jacob again.

"No. Carter and I _both_ touched something."

_Yes, that makes it so much better, Jack._ Jacob turned toward his daughter...in her CO's body. He barely refrained from shaking his head. One of these days he was going to come through that Stargate and find she'd turned herself into a toad.

"Please, tell me you know how to fix it."

"We do, Dad. We have to wait two more days before we can though."

Jacob listened as they began to explain everything they knew about the device. Selmak had heard of it, but didn't think it was a very useful device. Strategically, Jacob saw the device as a way to infiltrate a Goa'uld base, but thought that using such a method would be too risky.

Looking over both Sam and Jack, Jacob wondered aloud, "How long have you two been stuck like this?"

Neither seemed to want to answer. Finally, Sam muttered, "Four days."

Jacob eyed Jack scrutinizingly. Four days didn't bode well with him. Jack O'Neill, in his daughter's body, for four days. Jacob was pleased to see Jack fidget and look away. Selmak chose to remind him that Jack was probably mortified by the whole experience. With that mental image, Jacob had to hold back his own chuckle.

"So, Dad, what brings you to the SGC?"

"I just came to visit, actually."

"What, no death defying mission, no saving Tok'ra butt, Jacob?"

That was just...weird, coming from his daughter.

"No, Jack. Things are actually a little quiet out there right now."

"Well, you've jinxed us now."

Jacob rolled his eyes and turned back toward his daughter. He really didn't think he could do very well bonding with his daughter when she looked like Jack O'Neill. It messed with his mind.

"I think I'll go visit Mark for a day or two. By the time I get back, you'll be back to normal."

Sam frowned, but didn't say anything.

"Okay, Dad. Send Mark and the kids my love."

"I will."

Sam went to give him a kiss on the cheek, remembered (with the help of a mortified face from both her father and Jack), and pulled back.

"Sorry. Sometimes I forget."

"I can see that."

"Yeah, Carter. Don't ever do that again. I was gonna have severe nightmares over that."


	11. Chapter 11

Warning: This chapter contains the mention of blood and a very brief mention of rape so if you are uncomfortable with either I suggest you don't read this chapter.

* * *

"What the..."

Jack's initial thoughts were that he was dying.

"Sir?"

And then it hit him.

"Oh. My. God."

"Sir, are you okay?"

"No, Carter. I am not _okay._ In fact, I am far from _okay_."

Sam was a little unsure she wanted to ask. There were only a number of things that could possibly be happening inside the bathroom stall.

"Umm, what seems to be the problem?"

"Carter...when was the last time you had your...'unhappy time'?"

Unhappy time? What on earth was he...ohhhh!

Sam let out a nervous laugh.

"Oh."

"Oh. That's all you have to say. I'm _bleeding_ out of _YOUR_ body and all you have to say is 'Oh'!"

Sam put her face in her hands. Could this get any more humiliating? Not only was the Colonel fully aware of what every inch of her body looked like but now he was having her period. On the one note, that meant _she_ wasn't having her period and it was kind of every woman's dream to have a man have to experience that and childbirth but this was _her_ body and he was the Colonel. There were just some things he should never have intimate knowledge of and her period was one of them.

Sam lifted her head. "I'm sorry?"

"I don't think I can do this." His voice sounded on the verge of hysteria. "I could deal with the bra and the hair goop and everything else but I can't do this. It's just so...gross."

"I'm really sorry, sir."

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Jack was pretty sure he was going to be scarred for the rest of his life. He'd had a lot of bad things happen over the years, torture, death...but a period? It was just the ultimate horrific thing that a man was not EVER supposed to face. It was as if some higher power felt that turning him into a woman wasn't good enough, but now he had to bleed like one too.

"Sir, we'll need to go see Janet."

"Do you always inform the doctor when you get one of these things?"

"Um, well, no sir but we're in the mens bathroom this time and umm, you'll need supplies."

"Oh god. I _really_ don't think I can do this."

_Okay,_ Sam thought, _now he's just being melodramatic. I mean, it's not as if he's dying._

"It's not _that_ bad, sir."

_Was she out of her flippin' mind? How was this not THAT bad?_

"Carter, I am a MAN. Men are _NOT_ supposed to be doing this..._ever!_"

"I know, sir. Believe me, I feel the same way. We just have one more day of this. Until then, we're just going to have to deal with...everything."

"I'm pretty sure _my_ body isn't doing anything remotely close to this."

"No, yours has had its own little surprises."

"Little? I don't know if I would not call it 'little', Carter."

_Oh, don't worry, Colonel. Neither would I._

"No, sir." Quickly changing the subject, she said, "Off to see Janet then?"

He groaned. "Carter, this does not get told to anyone. If I so much as hear you tell your plant about this, I will do something so horrible to you that I can't even think of what it is yet it'll be that bad."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Janet was very quiet when she heard of the newest predicament that they had found themselves in. So far, all she had said was 'Oh.'

Jack glared at her.

"Doc, if you laugh or say one word about men deserving this, you'll just _think_ I was a bad patient before."

Janet nodded and held up something in a white plastic wrapper and a green plastic square thing.

"Well, Colonel, these are your options. You can either wear a tampon or a pad."

"So, anotherwords, rape or a diaper."

Janet gave him a condescending look. "I would hardly compare a tampon to rape, Colonel."

"Well, it definitely wouldn't be going in willingly!"

"I take it you want the pad then."

Jack sighed, Sam's facial features coming off the very picture of despair.

He reluctantly took the pad, holding it away from him looking unsure what he was to do with it.

"Umm..."

Janet couldn't prevent herself from rolling her eyes. Taking the pad back, she opened the wrapper to show him what he would need to do.

"Oh," was his first reaction. "It unfolds."

"You'll need to take the paper off the back sir so that you can stick the pad to your underwear to hold it in place."

Jack pointed at two flaps on either side of the pad.

"What are those for?"

"They're wings, sir."

"Wings? These things fly now?"

Janet sighed long-sufferedly. "You stick them to the outside of your underwear, Colonel. It helps hold the pad in place and prevent leakage."

Jack cringed.

Sadly, he took the pad and stood up.

"I really miss my body."

"Me too, sir."

Jack nodded and started off to the bathroom.

"Carter?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Promise me that your body won't miraculously get pregnant somehow. I think that's the only thing left that can possibly make this experience worse."

"I'm pretty sure you're safe, sir."

"Good."

"Unless of course you do some experimenting..."

"Carter, now is so not the time for your sense of humor."

Sam bit her lip.

"Of course not, sir."


	12. Chapter 12

This chapter is short but I'm posting another chapter directly after this. I just felt that they were distinct enough that they needed to be seperated. Also, the spell check doesn't seem to be working right now so if something is misspelled (likely) I apologize.

* * *

"Tell me, why do women have children?"

"Well, you see, sir, when a man and a woman really love each other..."

"Shut up, smart-ass."

Sam snickered. She was currently sitting on a chair in Jack's quarter's, watching him lie face down on the bed, wallowing in self pity.

"No, seriously, I don't know how you do it. If this is what cramping feels like, I can't even imagine labor." Jack paused and looked up at the ceiling to some unknown being. "Nor do I want to!"

After a pause, Jack continued, "Ya know, I was cramping a little yesterday too but I just thought you had some weird intestinal issues or something."

Sam frowned.

"I suppose I should have warned you sir, but in all honesty, I simply forgot."

"Don't worry. You get to have the rest of the week after tomorrow. I'm content in that knowledge."

Oh yeah. He was definitely getting a little bitchy. Which for some reason, Sam found utterly amusing.

"Do you go offworld like this?"

"Do you really want to have this conversation?"

"Carter, I think we've crossed quite possibly all personal borders this past week. I'm pretty sure we should be able to talk about anything at this point."

"Anything, sir?"

Her eyebrows were raised in a shocked fashion, though Jack sensed a hint of mocking in there somewhere.

Okay, so she had a point. They didn't talk about _anything_.

"Point taken."

That thought made Jack decidedly weepy. Which completely ticked him off. There was no way he was going to _cry _in front of Carter. He had to retain _some_ of his dignity. Stupid hormones. He would never cry over something as silly as repressed feelings before now.

"Carter..." Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...

"Hmm?"

"We'll talk some day though, right?" Damn it. He said it.

Sam sat in shocked silence. Wow. Jack _never_ brought up this subject.

"I hope so, sir."

Jack nodded, knowing that was all she could say. That was all either of them could say.

* * *

The fateful day arrived. Jack was practically bouncing with joy...which was something he could do now. Amazing the difference a bra makes. Jack realized with slight horror that that thought had come to him with ease. Definitely been in Carter's body too long.

Sam, ever the realist, was mentally calculating all the ways this could go wrong. The scientist in her hated not knowing exactly how the device worked. She was seriously contemplating breaking it open once all this was done so she could analyze its contents.

They were afraid to use the device that morning, thinking that if they weren't precise enough with the time, that they would ruin their chances. Yet, at the same time, they were afraid to wait too close to time, in the event that it didn't work. They wanted to be able to have at least some time to look into other alternatives before the full seven days had passed.

So it was decided that they would use the Death Star at 1000. SG-1 gathered in Sam's lab at the due time. Carter pulled the device out and held it in both of her hands. Eyeing Jack nervously, she held it out to him. He placed his hands on the top half of the device and slowly twisted it 180 degrees. The device clicked into place and a brilliant blue light splayed out from the crack in the center of the sphere.

Neither Sam nor Jack moved, both of their eyes still on the device. Daniel rocked back and forth on his feet.

"So..."

"Nothing happened."

"You mean you're still..."

"Yeah."

"Oh god." That was Sam.

"And we have no other alternative?"

Jack sighed. "No, Teal'c, we don't."

Sam was on the verge of tears, which was more than a little unsettling for the rest of them. Daniel had seen Jack almost cry on one occasion, Teal'c even less. They knew it wasn't him, but seeing tears from his body was still a shock. Jack saw the tears, too, and wanted to reach out and hold her. The weirdness of it being himself he would be hugging wasn't on his mind. Sam was in there and she was upset. That was all that mattered right now. But he was upset too. To know that he was going to be stuck this way for the rest of his life, he couldn't even comprehend that right now. Surely they'd find another way. But when? Days, weeks, months, or years from now? And of all people to be stuck in, it had to be the woman he's in love with, didn't it?

Daniel knew that if he got Sam working on the problem that it would help them all to focus on that and not on the fact that they may very well be stuck this way.

"We should look at the sphere some more, see if we can figure it out."

Sam nodded quickly, wiping her tears that hadn't quite fallen away with the back of her hand.

Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c walked with the sphere back to the lab table to start taking it apart. Jack stayed where he was. He couldn't believe it hadn't worked. He was so ready to get back to himself and to get out of this mountain. What if they they were never allowed out of the mountain now? No, he'd go insane. There was no way he could stay in here forever.

Jack started to walk out of the lab.

Daniel looked up. "Jack, where are you going?"

"I don't know," was all he said, over his shoulder, as he walked out the door.


	13. Chapter 13

Two hours later and Sam still hadn't gotten the device open. Glancing at the clock, she noticed the time. 1200. The exact time seven days ago that her and Jack had touched the device and this whole mess had started.

Why could she not figure this out? It should be simple enough to open a stupid sphere, but no, apparently she couldn't even do that anymore. She'd used everything. Siler had even brought in a fire torch! She was letting down her team, letting down herself, and letting down Jack. Glaring at the Death Star and very much wanting to hurl it across the room, she settled on throwing the clock instead. It hit the wall with a bang and broke apart on it's descent to the floor.

Daniel jerked in his chair beside her and stared at her from above his papers.

"Sam..."

"Don't, Daniel."

He stared at her for a few more moments before continuing anyway.

"Maybe you should take a break."

"No."

"Sam, you just threw a clock across the room."

_Keen observation, Daniel. Don't know how you put that one together._ "I need to keep working on this."

"Sam..."

"Daniel...I'm not going to stop, okay?"

Daniel nodded in acquiescence and went back to looking over his translation of the device to see if he could spot something he didn't notice before.

They continued working like that late into the night. Jack had never come back to the lab but Teal'c brought them both a late dinner.

Finally, at 2300, Daniel had called it a night. He tried to convince Sam to do the same, but she refused, simply holding up her coffee mug to show she would still be good for a while.

* * *

Jack woke with a sharp pain in his neck. He'd fumed around the base for a while and finally called it a night, returning to his quarters...now his possible permanent home. Still not opening his eyes, Jack took in his surroundings with his other senses as he usually did upon waking. His face was against something cool and hard. Had he fallen off the bed? That was unlikely. Plus, it kinda felt he was sitting. Odd. Very odd in fact.

Jack sat up, for he was, apparently, sitting, and opened his eyes in confusion. Blinking the sleep from his eyes, he saw that he was surrounded by blinking lights. Thor? Jack jerked his head, instantly regretting it, as the painful crick in his neck intensified. Why was he in Carter's lab? He distinctly remembered going to sleep in his quarters.

"Carter?"

_Hey, I recognize that voice!_ Grabbing his face, his manly face, Jack nearly screamed in triumph. Bolting out of his seat, he ran to the nearest bathroom, ignoring the startled looks from passersby.

Though he would never admit it to anyone on pain of death, Jack almost cried tears of joy when he saw his own reflection staring back at him. Touching his face again, just to make sure it wasn't some kind of illusion, Jack's face split in a shit-eating grin. He had to find Carter.

Jack forcefully stopped himself from skipping down the hallway. It wouldn't do for him to be frolicking like some kind of school girl in front of well...anyone. Even if he could technically blame it on Carter and say she was still in his body at the time. Reaching his last known location, Jack slowly opened the door to his quarters and found Carter still asleep in his bed.

Shit-eating grin still in place, he stealthily crawled on the bed, until he was leaning directly over her.

* * *

Sam woke with a smile on her face. The first thing she became aware of was smelling Jack. She loved that smell. Her smile turned into a frown as she realized that the only reason she was smelling Jack's scent was because she _was _Jack. The sensation of someone watching her caused Sam to pause. She hadn't yet opened her eyes, but she was sure someone was there. Trying not to give away that she was awake, Sam took stock of everything around her. She was in a bed. There were depressions to the left and right of her arms. Someone was leaning over her.

Jack watched her expressions with great amusement. He could tell that the movements from him crawling on the bed had started to wake her up. A content smile washed over her face as he leaned over her, but then just as quickly it faded, and she looked sad. Ever so slightly, her body stiffened. Jack waited patiently for her to open her eyes, enjoying being able to look at her openly and at her being, well...her.

Instead of opening her eyes, Sam jerked her arms out quickly, causing Jack to lose balance and fall on top of her. Sam quickly rolled them on the bed until she was straddling him with his arms pinned under her knees.

Sam glared unseeingly at her attacker for a few moments before her eyes adjusted to the dark room.

Underneath her, a shocked Jack O'Neill stared at her and then broke out into the biggest grin she'd ever seen.

"Heya, Carter!"

"Sir!"

Sam started to quickly get off of her commanding officer when she realized...Colonel O'Neill was actually Colonel O'Neill! She gasped and stopped where she was, looking back at him.

"Sir, you're you!"

"Yep." The grin wasn't going anywhere anytime soon apparently.

"But how?"

Before he replied, everything clicked into place in Sam's mind. "Sleep. We had to go to sleep. It didn't work before until we'd gone to sleep. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Oh, this is such good news. I was afraid we were going to be stuck like that forever. I couldn't get the device to open and..."

"Carter."

"Yes, sir?"

"Not that I'm not enjoying this," _way way too much_, he added to himself, "but, my arms are starting to hurt a little."

Sam looked down and realized that in her shock at realizing that Jack was _Jack, _she had never actually gotten off of his lap.

"Oh my god! I am so sorry, sir."

She jumped off of him and hopped to the floor in one quick motion. Jack joined her standing up really trying to wipe the smile off his face. Seriously, his cheeks were hurting but the thing would not go away.

"Feel free to hug yourself. I did."

Sam laughed as his giddy joy (he would kill her if she said that out loud) rubbed off on her and she reached out to touch her face. Her soft feminine face that had no five o'clock shadow. Pretty soon they were both standing there in the dark grinning like idiots. After what seemed like ages of staring at each other with dopey smiles, Sam said, "We should go tell everyone."

Jack nodded and they both headed for the door. He could have sworn Carter skipped, though she would never admit it.

A thought occurred to Jack as they were walking toward the General's office and a completely different form of grin came upon his face. A decidedly wicked one.

"Hey, Carter, about those plans we were talking about earlier..."

Sam, walking in front of him at the time, laughed heartily in reply. Two could play at that game. Still walking, Sam turned around to face the Colonel. Knowing he was watching her, she grazed her eyes down his body until they rested on a specific location. Smiling, she returned her gaze to his eyes and said, "Oh yes, plans are _definitely_ still on."

His eyes turned primal and darkened. Smugly, Sam faced forward again, knowing that at that moment he was staring at her ass. Not that that was the reason she was walking with an extra sway to her hips. Of course it wasn't. Today was going to be a very good day.

The End


End file.
